Written by sex journalist and expert, Gabrielle Kassel, for The Cowgirl.
Whether your interest in orgies cums (had to) from your FWBs suggestion, watching Shortbus, or your recent porn preferences, there’s no doubt that orgies can be HOT.
Here, sex educators break down why. Plus, share exactly what to expect at your first orgy party.
What is an orgy party?
Simply put, an orgy is group sex. How many people are needed for sex to count as an orgy depends on who you ask. Some sources qualify an orgy as four or people, other sources say four lovers is a foursome and that there must be five or more pleasure-seekers present to earn the title ‘orgy’.
In ancient Greece ‘orgies’ were a celebration thrown by Dionysus, the God of wine. So the word orgy often connotates that the sex party is a rowdy, wild, and substance-infused sex party. However, how chaotic and fuck-fest-y the party is will vary orgy-to-orgy. Loosely boundaries sordid orgies exist, as do consent-forward, scripted, super elaborate ones.
Due to the connotation of ‘orgy’, folks often call group sex ‘group sex’. Or sex parties. In BDSM circles, these gatherings are often known as play parties.
What’s the point of an orgy?
An orgy is that it gives you the opportunity to have sex with multiple people in the same night. This allows attendees to experience multiple types of sex and sensations in short succession.
It also promotes feelings of submission in people who enjoy feeling “used” or “filled”, and feelings of Dominance in people who enjoy fucking multiple (consensual!) play-things in a single evening.
Even if you choose not to have sex with multiple people, orgies allow you to watch and hear people have sex in the flush, says sex educator and performer Rev. Rucifer, founder of Reiki Bondage, which is something that people don’t otherwise have access to.
In addition to satisfying someone’s inner-voyeur, watching people have sex can also be educational and self-revelatory. “Sometimes you’ll see something you didn’t even know existed, or didn’t realize you wanted to try or fantasize about until you say it,” she says.
For people who enjoy group sex, threesomes, and kink, orgies can also be a great place to meet potential partners, says Rucifer. And if not partners, like-minded friends! As SpongeBob once put it, F is for friends you go to orgies together, U is for u and me…
How to find a safe orgy party
You might be able to find an orgy through a quick Google search (i.e. “sex party near me” or “queer orgy San Francisco”). But word-of-mouth referral is the best way to find a sex part, according to Rucifer, because it gives you the opportunity to learn more about the space’s energy, boundaries, and typical attendees.
The educators at your local sex shop, as well as the sexuality professionals, kink-informed practitioners, who live or have lived in your area, are good resources. You might also ask your most sex-positive friend—even if they don’t personally attend orgies, they may be able to point you in the direction of someone who does. (As with most communities, sex-positive communities are often quite small and interconnected).
Another option is to connect with open-minded people in your area on Feeld or #Open, two apps designed to connect ethically non-monogamous and/or sexplorative people to each other. Kinky folks may consider signing up for Lina Dune’s (known as @askasub on Instagram) Patreon which will give you access to a private group of kinksters.
Once you learn about a sex party that exists near you, your next step is to need to suss out whether or not it’s a good fit for you, and your partner(s) if you’re going with someone(s). “You want to find out what a party's consent practices are,” says Rucifer. “You also want to know what kinds of steps they have in place to protect attendees from unwanted advances
Some parties will send out an email prior to an event detailing the specific consent practices. Some parties will have a quick session ahead of play. Some parties will only post signs or rules on the walls. Some ongoing parties have mandatory informational sessions that new participants have to attend prior to going to a party, where they break down the space’s rules.
Generally, says Rucifer, “you want to look for a party that has pre-event communication, during-event communication, and post-event communication.” Basically, the more communication the better.
How do you decide if you want to attend a virtual orgy or in-person orgy?
Your personal preferences will dictate this. Where you live may play a role, too—in-person sex parties are usually more accessible to city-dwellers than rural livers.
But generally, Rucifer says virtual events are good for a first stop. “Virtual events give you the experience of having sex in your home,” which may help increase your overall comfort levels. Plus, URL events are far easier to leave than IRL events… literally, all you need to do is shut your laptop. These two factors tend to lead to first-timers feeling more comfortable than they might at an in-person event where exiting often requires some planning and social navigation.
“Virtual events give you a sense of how the event organizers host their events, so you can determine if they are hosts whose events you’d be comfortable attending in person,” she adds.
Tips for first-time orgy attendees
No matter why you want to attend, you deserve to have a safe, pleasurable experience. These tips can help you achieve just that.
1. Bring a buddy or boo
While it’s absolutely possible, “it’s really hard to go to a sex party alone,” says Rucifer. That’s why she recommends going with someone.
That person doesn’t have to be a partner or someone you’re interested in having sex with. “Having a wingperson there to support you and to talk to as you get comfortable in the space can be extraordinarily helpful,” she says.
2. Set boundaries ahead of time
Whether you go with a buddy or boo, you need to chat personal boundaries and expectations ahead of time.
Some questions you should be able to answer no matter who you bring:
- Am I comfortable being physically intimate with my buddy/boo? If so, what pregnancy prevention and safer sex practices am I going to use?
- What sex acts am I comfortable engaging with at a sex party? If applicable, what pregnancy prevention and safer sex practices do I want to?
- Do I have any soft limits—things I’d be willing to try with the right person or in the right atmosphere?
- Are there any things that are completely off-limits?
- Am I comfortable being watched by a crowd?
- What substances am I going to use tonight? How much of them will I be using?
If you’re going with a partner, you should also discuss whether or not you’re going to be playing with each other exclusively. Or, if you’d be open to playing with another person or couple together, or connecting with other attendees separate from each other.
It may also be beneficial to talk through what you’ll do if negative emotions like jealousy arise. As well as how you’ll work through those issues together later.
3. Find out the rules surrounding your specific interest
There are many sexual interests as there are sex-havers themselves. As such, it is nearly impossible for a sex party to cover all of them in their rules. So if there is something you know you’re going to want to try/do, clarify any uncertainties around it ahead of time.
For instance, if you’re interested in watching but not participating, put in the legwork to learn if watching is allowed, and when. Some parties will have a blanket-statement green-light voyeurism. Other parties say that the voyeur has to ask permission from the viewers. Some parties have a 3-second rule.
4. When in doubt, ask
Attending a sex party is about far more than getting your needs met. You need to make sure you’re treating the other attendee such that their boundaries are being honored, too. And that means asking permission before doing anything!
Here’s what that might look like:
- “I think you’re a stunning couple, would you be comfortable if I watched you have sex from a few feet away and touched myself?”.
- “Can I kiss your neck?”
- “I noticed you were spanking someone earlier. Would you be interested in spanking me, too?”.
To be very clear: You should also be prepared to answer these kinds of questions. You’re at a sex party, so people *will* ask if you’d like to have sex. If you need to practice saying no before you go, please do!
How to organize the ultimate orgy party with The Cowgirl
Sometimes orgy sex parties will have a rideable vibrator like The Cowgirl on tap and ready for use, notes Carol Queen Ph.D., a sexologist with sex toy company Good Vibrations. Other times, attendees bring their own machine to the party.
Why? For starters because vibration feels good and these machines provide high-intensity vibration. Second, because they are rideable, these machines are highly visual, feeding into people’s voyeuristic and exhibitionist fantasies.
If you’re interested in riding one, follow these steps.
1. Get in line
“Sometimes these parties will have a hostess or monitor who is in charge of monitoring the machine, who uses it, and cleaning it,” says Queen. If there is a monitor, ask to get added to the list! If there is not, make sure there aren’t any attendees waiting to hop on. Babes, cutting is a bad look!
2. Learn how to operate the machine
Next, make sure you know how to operate the machine. “Check for any signage or instructions because you definitely want to know how to work the machine before you have it,” she says. “You really don’t want to futz with the controls and screw it up if you haven't played with one before.”
If you’ve never ridden before, don’t be too proud to ask for help. Trust, being taught how to ride a sex machine can, itself, be pretty damn sexy.
3. Figure out which attachment you want to use
The Cowgirl comes with six different attachments, two non-penetrative and four penetrative. Figure out which attachment will give you the sexperience you’re interested in having.
Looking for external stimulation only? Try the Rawhide or the Bareback. Interested in internal stimulation? Tty the Lone Ranger for G-zone or P-spot stimulation, the Wild West or Bronco to recreate penetration with a penis or dildo, and the Buckwild for double-penetration.
4. Clean it
You may not have to worry about this step if there’s a monitor present.
“But if there's a chance it hasn't been cleaned since the last person who used it, clean it, for your own safety,” says Queen.
5. Get down!
Before you do, please add lube! “Add a lube that is not silicone-based to the attachment to make riding and mountain the machine easier,” says sex-hacker and sex educator Kenneth Play, Founder of Hacienda Villa an international sex-positive community.
He also recommends handing the machine’s remote over to another party attendee. “You could ask your partner, or a person other than your partner to take charge of the controller,” he says. “Then as your excitement mounts, you can ask them to do to you what they normally would...kiss you, pull your hair, bite you, command you to orgasm, choke you...or all of the above!.”
6. Clean it again.
Again: you may not have to worry about this step if there’s a monitor present.
Otherwise, “clean it afterwards to protect the next user and to be a good sex party citizen,” says Queen.
