Written by sex journalist and expert, Gabrielle Kassel, for The Cowgirl.
Historically, ‘vanilla’ was just an ingredient in cookies and ‘vibrate’ was something industrial machines did. These days, however, ‘vanilla’ is a specific kind of sex and ‘vibrate’ is a thing bedroom sexcessories do to increase the overall pleasure potential. Indeed, over the last few decades the sexual landscape has completely sexuality.
Unfortunately, some pleasure-seekers continue to be cock and coochie blocked by sex myths and misconceptions. One of the more pervasive myths, according to sex educator Searah Deysach, is that vanilla sex and vibrators can’t and don’t co-exist— but they do. “Vanilla sex and vibrators absolutely can mesh,” she says.
Ahead, sex educators explain exactly what it means to be vanilla. Plus, share the benefits of using a vibrator, that all types of sex-havers can enjoy with a store-bought buddy.
Vanilla, Defined
Before we explore what should and should not be categorized as vanilla, let’s get on the same page about what vanilla means. That the exact definition of vanilla will vary based on sexual proclivities of the person doing the defining, says Deysach. But usually vanilla sex is considered the most run-of-the-mill romping you can do. Indeed, Urban Dictionary defines vanilla sex as sex that is “plain”, “regular”, or “sweet, happy, and very lovey-dovey.”
When used to describe pleasure-seekers, Deysach says it suggests that they are not kinky. Usually, someone who is vanilla does not have any kinks, fetishes, or interest in BDSM, she says.
Indeed, vanilla sex is often seen as the opposite of kinky sex, which usually incorporates activities that are not considered sexy in mainstream society like whipping, spanking, tickling, degradation, power play, to name just a few. “Though, what one person thinks of as kinky, another person may think of as vanilla,” she says.
Worth mentioning: While vanilla and kinky do exist on a spectrum, there are many more similarities between the types of sex than differences. Both can be pleasurable and incorporate sex toys for example. More on this below!
All Types Of Sex Are Good
To be very clear: There is no moral value assigned to different types of sex. Both vanilla sex and kinky sex can be enjoyable.
Historically, kinky sex has been looked down upon for being ‘other’. However, the popularization of The Fifty Shades of Grayfranchise #KinkTok, and the BDSM Test in recent years have left many non-kinky folks feeling like boring outsiders.
“As kinky sex and BDSM have become more mainstream, some folks are experiencing shame that they are not kinky enough, but this is silly,” says Deysach. “Everyone should feel free to embrace whatever their sexual desires are, as long as they are consensual and do not harm anyone.”
Why Someone Might Want To Use A Vibrator
Vibrators are neither kinky or vanilla. “They are simply objects that can in incorporated into sex in a variety of different ways,” says Deysach.
Vibrators are designed to be at speeds, durations, intensities, rhythms and consistency that the body is anatomically not able to move, she explains. As such, anyone who wants to experience sensations that their own or their partner’s hands and body can’t provide, may benefit from using a vibrator.
“Vibrators — in particular hands-free vibrators — can be a wonderful way to keep a sensation part of play, while freeing up your hands or mouth for other things,” she adds.
For instance, if someone needs clitoral stimulation to climax during vaginal intercourse, vibrators like We-Vibe Match, We-Vibe Unite 2, and Dame Eva II could be a great option for adding in that stimulation, while leaving the hands free for ~other things~.
If you’re kinky, those other things could include hair pulling, nipple pinching, face slapping, or choking, while if you’re vanilla, those other things could be head holding, cheek stroking, or nipple grazing.
Similarly, someone might be interested in wearing a butt plug while receiving a blow job. Sure, the giver could use their fingers to anally finger the receiver, but if the receiver wears a butt plug leaves the givers hands remain free to stroke themselves. Fun!
So… Can I Use A Vibrator If I’m Vanilla?
Yes!
You can fall on the vanilla side of the spectrum, you can still have interest in using a vibrator during partnered play, says sexuality professional Zachary Zane, author of the forthcoming book Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. And you could have interest in any kind of vibrator, he notes, including clitoral vibrators, vibrating massagers, rideable vibrators, anal vibrators, and more.
“Embrace that about yourself and look for other folks who share similar desires as you,” he suggests.
Wait, So I Can Be Vanilla And Use A Rideable Vibrator?
Again, yes!
You can use any kind of vibrator no matter where you are on the vanilla-kink spectrum, says Zane. “You can do whatever the f*ck you want,” he says. *Claps*.
If you have interest in using a rideable vibrator, don’t let your status as a vanilla lover stop you. The Cowgirl or The Unicorn Sex Machine are great ways for people to enjoy penetrative or non-penetrative pleasure during solo sex. Or, for a couple to have sex long-distance, or in a way that simulates group sex.
If you do want to try a sex machine with your partner, Deysach recommends having a conversation with them before busting it out. “Tell them that you want to try something new and fun that you think will make sex better for both of you,” she says. “If you want to make the idea seem even more vanilla, you can say you saw the toy on some mainstream site or on the IG of a social media influencer or that you picked it up at the drugstore.”
