As you toss your 2022 paper calendar into the trash (good riddance! sayonara! adios!) amongst the condom wrappers, champagne foil, and tinsel, you’re probably thinking about what kind of energy you want to bring into 2023. This is the time of year when most people sit down and hammer out some New Year’s Resolutions, after all. (Though, let the record show a good reflect-and-resolve can be valuable any time of year).
Our suggestion: Next time you set some resolutions, rather than making goals strictly around work and working out, make some for your sex life, too. Applicable for singles and couples, triads and polycules, sex resolutions can help imbue the bedroom with a little more pleasure. Besides, they’re as fun to make as they are to (ahem) sexecute.
1. Talk more about sex!
More specifically: The more about the sex you’re having (or not having!). Why? Because if there’s one universal tip for better sex it’s this: Communicate. (Okay fine, add lube is a close second).
Chit-chatting about coitus can feel intimidating if it’s not already part of your relationship. So don’t start by sitting your significant other(s) down and asking for feedback on your love-making. Brutal!
Instead, begin by talking about sex…in general! Talk about the spicy scenes playing out before you in your favorite Netflix show. Or, giggle about the teenagers making out on the stoop. Or, talk about the one night stand your bestie just had.
Once talking about sex has become more comfortable to talk about as a concept, you’re ready to expand that to talk about your own sex life. That might look like any of the following:
- I recently read an article about sex resolutions, and it got me thinking it might be fun for us to make a sex bucketlist as a couple. What do you think?
- I feel a little awkward saying this because we don’t usually talk about sex. But I was wondering if we could talk about why we’ve been having less sex than usual.
- Wow, that sex we had last night felt really connected. I really liked it when you used your fingers and mouth on me at the same time. How did it feel for you?
2. Incorporate aftercare
In the kink community, aftercare is the practice of checking in with and showing TLC to your partner(s) after play. But the practice of touching base after sex is something people who haveany kind of sex can benefit from. Yep, including vanilla sex.
After sex is an incredibly vulnerable time. It’s a time when we’re covered in fluids, flooded with feel-good endorphins, and naked, after all. Dialing your attention to be on your partner after sex can help that good just-boned feeling last. It can also help re-solidify a relationship of mutual care with your partner.
Not sure how to actually implement aftercare? Here are things you might say after sex:
- Come back to bed! I want to spend some time pillow-talking before we re-enter our days.
- Damn, that was a really emotionally intense session. Is there anything I can do to help you feel safe and loved right now?
- Do you want me to run you a bath?
3. Start a sex education book club
Continuing to learn about our bodies, desire, sex, libido, and sexuality allows us to continuously bring ourselves the most pleasure possible. So, even in the off chance that it was passable, you should consider this kind of book group.
Teaming up with your partner and/or a group of sex-positive friends and paging your way through books likeShe Comes First by Ian Kerner,The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and Urban Tantraby Barbara Carrellas has the added benefit of allowing you to process that information alongside other pleasure-seekers. In the case you read them with your boo(s), these texts could help you access a deeper level of sexual, emotional, or intellectual intimacy.
To introduce the idea to your partner you might say:
- I’m thinking about reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Any interest in reading it together, setting a date, and then talking about it?
- I want to start a book club for queer erotica. Any interest in being part of it?
Not a big reader? If you’re feeling especially spicy, you might start a porn viewing club. Or, an audio-erotica group. Or, maybe you turn on a sex education podcast like b-Vibe's The Plug Podcast, Bad in Bed, or Sex with Dr. Jess
4. Try a new sex toy!
This is a good sex resolution whether you already have a solid collection of nightstand goodies, or haven’t yet explored the joys available through pleasure products.
Sex toys are products that are designed to provide stimulation that the human body is physically not able to provide. For example, some vibrate, some offer hands-free penetration, some let you play with temperatures, and some add in a bit of that kinkiness. To be clear: The goal of these toys is to help you find the perfect combination of intensities, stimulations, and sensations that give you the orgasm you’ve been yearning for! Plus, it also helps you guide your partner to pleasure you in your own way - everyone’s different!
5. Make an anti-resolution.
Are you somebody who has already brought a goal-oriented mindset to your sex life? This year, give yourself the gift of goal-less romps.
The downside of sex resolutions is theycan create an aura of pressure that ultimately intercepts pleasure. Establishing goals like ‘squirt’ or ‘have a blended orgasm’ or ‘have a prostate orgasm’ , for example, can all lead to situation where you feel like a sexual failure if you don’t achieve those things. And humiliation kink aside, very few people want to feel like a failure in the sack.
So, if you experience performance-related anxiety in the sack, consider deciding to forgo resolutions altogether, and instead allow yourself to prioritize the journey (pleasure) over the destination (orgasm).